Packing Up!

     Today I am "packing" for my journey, preparing myself for what is ahead! Gathering all of the information I know up to this point about myself, and analyzing it so that I can move ahead. A little bit about myself... I'm sure you are all aware my name is Ashlynd. I am nineteen years old, currently residing in the hot but wonderful state of Arizona. I've lived here my whole life. My family is, well, rather large. When I was younger, my biological parents divorced and then remarried (side note: PRAISE GOD for the work He did in our families. All four of my parents get along. We never had any problems growing up between my mom or dad or integrating my step parents into our lives :D). I have four brothers and three sisters and have been blessed to be, you guessed it, the oldest of them all.  I was raised in both houses, both under God's influence. My family and I have always enjoyed church. I had the priviledge at my last church to play with the worship team which I enjoyed so much. I love school. I graduated in the top 15% of my high school class and already have a year and a half of college under my belt from Grand Canyon University (and one semester at Estrella Mountain Community College). My grades rarely suffer. I have had four jobs in my short lifetime already. I have goals and plans and aspirations for myself.  My life, from the outside, really does seem perfect.
     But, let's get real. I'm a teenage girl. Trouble, for me, wedged its way into my life for the first time when I was just a child. I began to seek acceptance through performance. School was a big deal for me. I always got great grades, I excelled academically and in my extracurricular activities such as choir. My goal was always to be the best. The best feeling in the world for me was to hear "We're so proud of you!" from my parents and teachers. Middle school went much the same. Then came the boys. Or, boy for that matter. Up until my 8th grade year I had been told I was ugly and fat. I started to get acne which just blew my self esteem away even more. I envied the skinny blonde girls who, even at such a young age, seemed to get all the guys. My first relationship was extremely weird. I'm sure you can imagine that a relationship between two 13..14 year olds does not sound exactly real or functional. He was obsessive and I needed attention. The relationship lasted about a year and a half before I had the guts to break it off. My sophomore year of high school came around. I still suffered from performance anxiety and a bad self image. I entered another relationship with an older guy, almost 4 years older to be exact. During that relationship I compromised a lot about myself to make him happy. I decided to be with him behind my parents back and reduce my standards in this guy and in myself because I thought I loved him. The relationship was extremely unhealthy. I was mentally manipulated, extremely unconfident, cheated on and walked all over. Finally, it ended. But the pain did not. I started down a dark path that I don't believe I've ever fully gotten off of, even to this day.
     During the next year or so, I began to let go of God. I made friendships with people I should've never made friendships with. I liked guys I never should have liked and I began to live a lie. I taught myself to become numb so that I would not feel the pain of my last relationship. Before I began to really let my feelings surface, I started to go to church again. I thought I had given it all up to God and before I knew it, I was in another relationship. This time, however, the guy seemed perfect. Godly, kind, supportive... a true gentleman. The relationship grew for a year, and then he proposed. I thought, my parents will be so proud of me for marrying this Godly man. God will be so proud of me for finding a man like this. I am making the right decision. Everyone will be so happy for me. But I wasn't happy. I still had old desires in my heart. I was still self conscious. I started hanging out with my friends again and lying to him about it. I did not want to be with him, but I was too scared to hurt him or see everyone I knew be dissappointed in me.
     The guilt started to eat at me so bad that I couldn't take it anymroe and I broke off the entire relationship. I stopped going to church. I just wanted my independece and freedom. Hanging out with friends became a daily routine. My family began to worry because I was rarely ever home. I dated another guy who was the complete opposite of a man I knew I should be dating, just to do it. Things ended badly there as well and before I knew it, I hated myself. I hated men for always letting me down. I hated church because I felt everyone was a fake. I hated being home because I felt like I was stuck in one place. I hated school because it was getting too hard. I hated my job because it seemed like no one appreciated me. I hated my life.
     Unfortunately, things did not get better. I entered another relationship. This time, it was different. I genuinely felt like he loved me. I genuinely loved him. But that was probably the only good part. I sacrificed my schooling, my job, my family, my friendships and my life for the sake of our relationship. I sacrificed my relationship with God. It was the hardest two months of my life I've ever endured.  I lived in my car, I barely ate. I had no money and the two of us were stuck... living on love. Even then, we fought daily. the pressure was unbearable but we thought we could make it regardless. Through a series of very, very unfortunate events, a lot of lies were brought to light. Lies that I told my family and lies that he told me. My family took me back. I have no job. I'm not in college. I am no longer in a relationship. I barely have any friends left. My lies and deception over the years are now in the light for my family to see. I've lost touch with God. I am in debt. I've lost everything.
     My family took me back into their home 3 days ago. My world came crashing down 3 days ago. Things have been very far from easy for me. I'm suffering severe depression. I'm lonely. I have a lot to fix in my life. I woke up this morning and saw this book, 'The Search for Significance' lying right next to my bed where I had left it so many months ago. I know that God wants me to let go of all the chains that have been wrapped around me for so long. I know this book will help me find myself, finally. This blog is designed to help me really dive deep into the text and write down how it applies to me. I hope that my journey will inspire others to find their significance in Christ.
    The ride will be rocky and steep. Many of you will see me stumble and breakdown, but I promise to be honest here. So, will you come with me? Will you travel beside me during My Journey on The Search for Significance?