Chapter 1: The Light Comes On (Part One)

Today is the first day of my journey! I'd like to start off every day with a prayer (warning, these prayers and posts will be personal! However, I feel complete honesty, for me, is necessary.)

     Dear Lord,

          Thank you for being my Savior. Thank you for reaching out your hand to me when I needed it most and never letting go of me. God, I am sorry for how I've lived, how I've acted. I'm sorry for knowingly disobeying you. Please forgive me. Give me strength today. Help me to understand, fully, that you love me and that you want me to have the best of what you have to offer. Lord, please heal the hurt I feel inside. I still question why you would allow these most recent circumstances in my life and I know that honesty with you is important. I admit that I am angry with you. I pray that you would open my eyes to things I cannot see and to your unconditional love for me. While I read this book and really investigate myself, I pray that you would bring things about myself that you want me to change to my attention. Bless this time with you.

             In your name I pray, Amen.

*Breathe* Okay! Let's go right into chapter one! (also, bear with me. I will probably "word vomit" or "vent" a lot! I am still trying to figure out a format for all of this!)

The Light Comes On

Chapter one starts with Psalm 139:23-24, a refreshing verse that reminds me to allow God to search my innermost self and allow Him to bring all of the "nasty stuff" into the light. This will be my prayer today. The author goes on to give some examples of people who cannot find happiness in their everyday lives, people that turn to things or ungodly aspirations.

The examples include a man who is overly controlling of his family (control= feels powerful), a "life of the party" college student who, when alone, experiences lonliness and resentment (popular/social=feels loved and special) , a businessman who strives to get promotions and suffers from performance anxiety (perfection=feels happiness), a housewife who feels like she isn't close with her husband but cannot accept his love (attention= feels loved), and a pastor who cannot learn how to apply his own teachings to his life (success with others=feels important).

I believe that I, personally, relate most to two of these examples. The businessman because I strive to be perfect, and the housewife, because it is hard for me to accept love or kindness from others.

The first page or so describes all of these different people and their situations, and how they never sought out their problem or "brought it to light". When we don't bring our problems to light, we suffer the consequences (for example: the man who controlled his family, lost them). I highlighted this passage:

"However, if we are honest with ourselves, from time to time, we find the light being turned on in our world, and we are amazed (and sometimes embarrassed) at what we see. It isn't that we don't know that certain things are not right. We just don't realize how destructive these things are until the light comes on." (McGee, pg.2)

In a lot of ways, this is SO true for me. There have been many times in the past few years when God would shine a flashlight into some of the deepest, darkest parts of me, and I knew that I was wrong. I didn't realize how badly harboring those things inside would hurt me over time. Even when I did realize it and tried to give it up to God, I found that my flesh did not want to let it go. I liked the feeling of depression. It was so much easier to fall a little further then to strain to get out. However, I'm at a point in my life now where the destruction has pretty much spiraled through everything, so I think it is time for me to really flood those dark places with Christ's light! I think most of you would agree.

Another excerpt explains, "Many of us are hurt emotionally, relationally, and spiritually, but because we are unaware of the extent of our wound, we don't take steps toward healing and help." (McGee, pg.2) I can completely relate to this passage as well. I am hurt in all those ways, and I am well aware of it. However, until this point, I think I have really brushed aside the true reason why certain things pain me so bad, or the "extent of my wounds". For example, one "wound" that has caused me a lot of pain is the extreme fear of being alone (relationally). I have not truly gotten to the root of why I am so afraid of being single, why I freak out at the thought of being broken up with and losing my partner. I know that almost every time I get a taste of a relationship, I like to jump in head first and not really take a good look at exactly WHO I'm dating. On the other hand, when I do find someone who really tries to care about me or tell me they love me, I have an extremely hard time believing it. It's hard for me to accept and very rarely in my life have I ever truly believed that anyone has TRULY loved or cared about me. I am not sure where the problem stems from, but I'm sure that through prayer and some soul searching I will be able to bring that into the light. It has caused a lot of destruction for me and for others! That wound is very, very deep.  

I'll go ahead and paraphrase the next little chunk of text here. It basically says, "Why are we afraid to turn on the light? The answer differs for each person. Perhaps we feel our situations are "normal" and that lonliness, hurt, and anger is really all there is to life. Maybe we want to be "good" Christians who don't have problems or feelings (denying existence of emotions). Maybe it started in childhood, wanting our parents to be loving and supportive. If they weren't, we may protect our concept of them by blaming ourselves for their lack of love and denying the hurt they caused." (McGee, pg.3)

I suppose that more than one of these directly applies to me. I've always felt (since the depression started), that it was normal. Like they all say, "life isn't fair" right? I don't live in some fairytale story book with fairies and princes and happy endings. Until recently, I kept my emotions from my Christian friends because I thought Wow, they've really got it together. I must be a bad Christian because I'm struggling so much. They all read their bible and listened to Christian music. They kept their relationships pure and didn't hang out with people that influenced them negatively. I've always wanted the love and support and confidence from my parents, and boy, they gave it to me. But like I stated earlier, I think that my need to be absolutely PERFECT kept me from truly believing that they were proud of me. All the times I messed up kept me from thinking they could truly forgive me or love me again. (Writing this right now, even I can see how delusional that sounds!).

Okay, this next passage is a little rough for me, because it really is calling me out on who I truly am. It's brought to light, in just a few short sentences, how I act and how my negative actions and thoughts have brought me this far down. Okay... *breathe*. Here we go...

"We all develop elaborate defense mechanisms to block pain and gain significance. We suppress emotions; we are compulsive perfectionists; we drive ourselves to succeed, or we withdraw and become passive; we attack people who hurt us; we punish ourselves when we fail; we try to say clever things to be accepted; we help people so that we will be appreciated; and we say and do countless other things."  (McGee, pg.3)

Me to a tee. Enough said.

    Well, I'm going to end it here, 3 pages in. There is still quite a bit left in this chapter, but I think that this is a good sized chunk to start out with. I'll end in prayer.

Dear Lord,

*Sigh* Even in this very short time, you have brought a lot of things to my attention about myself. I pray that you would continue to light these very dark places and show yourself to me. Help me to find my significance in you and you alone. Not in perfection. Not in others. Not in myself. God, please help me to be uplifted. These things are not easy for me to face. Continue to comfort me and carry me through this valley. I cannot make it without you. I love you.

In your name I pray, Amen.

Today I strapped on my "hiking boots" and began the first few steps on My Journey on The Search for Significance! Thank you readers for your support. Continue to pray for me as I will be praying for you. (p.s. This book is amazing, and I'm only a quarter chapter in! I highly suggest it.)

Packing Up!

     Today I am "packing" for my journey, preparing myself for what is ahead! Gathering all of the information I know up to this point about myself, and analyzing it so that I can move ahead. A little bit about myself... I'm sure you are all aware my name is Ashlynd. I am nineteen years old, currently residing in the hot but wonderful state of Arizona. I've lived here my whole life. My family is, well, rather large. When I was younger, my biological parents divorced and then remarried (side note: PRAISE GOD for the work He did in our families. All four of my parents get along. We never had any problems growing up between my mom or dad or integrating my step parents into our lives :D). I have four brothers and three sisters and have been blessed to be, you guessed it, the oldest of them all.  I was raised in both houses, both under God's influence. My family and I have always enjoyed church. I had the priviledge at my last church to play with the worship team which I enjoyed so much. I love school. I graduated in the top 15% of my high school class and already have a year and a half of college under my belt from Grand Canyon University (and one semester at Estrella Mountain Community College). My grades rarely suffer. I have had four jobs in my short lifetime already. I have goals and plans and aspirations for myself.  My life, from the outside, really does seem perfect.
     But, let's get real. I'm a teenage girl. Trouble, for me, wedged its way into my life for the first time when I was just a child. I began to seek acceptance through performance. School was a big deal for me. I always got great grades, I excelled academically and in my extracurricular activities such as choir. My goal was always to be the best. The best feeling in the world for me was to hear "We're so proud of you!" from my parents and teachers. Middle school went much the same. Then came the boys. Or, boy for that matter. Up until my 8th grade year I had been told I was ugly and fat. I started to get acne which just blew my self esteem away even more. I envied the skinny blonde girls who, even at such a young age, seemed to get all the guys. My first relationship was extremely weird. I'm sure you can imagine that a relationship between two 13..14 year olds does not sound exactly real or functional. He was obsessive and I needed attention. The relationship lasted about a year and a half before I had the guts to break it off. My sophomore year of high school came around. I still suffered from performance anxiety and a bad self image. I entered another relationship with an older guy, almost 4 years older to be exact. During that relationship I compromised a lot about myself to make him happy. I decided to be with him behind my parents back and reduce my standards in this guy and in myself because I thought I loved him. The relationship was extremely unhealthy. I was mentally manipulated, extremely unconfident, cheated on and walked all over. Finally, it ended. But the pain did not. I started down a dark path that I don't believe I've ever fully gotten off of, even to this day.
     During the next year or so, I began to let go of God. I made friendships with people I should've never made friendships with. I liked guys I never should have liked and I began to live a lie. I taught myself to become numb so that I would not feel the pain of my last relationship. Before I began to really let my feelings surface, I started to go to church again. I thought I had given it all up to God and before I knew it, I was in another relationship. This time, however, the guy seemed perfect. Godly, kind, supportive... a true gentleman. The relationship grew for a year, and then he proposed. I thought, my parents will be so proud of me for marrying this Godly man. God will be so proud of me for finding a man like this. I am making the right decision. Everyone will be so happy for me. But I wasn't happy. I still had old desires in my heart. I was still self conscious. I started hanging out with my friends again and lying to him about it. I did not want to be with him, but I was too scared to hurt him or see everyone I knew be dissappointed in me.
     The guilt started to eat at me so bad that I couldn't take it anymroe and I broke off the entire relationship. I stopped going to church. I just wanted my independece and freedom. Hanging out with friends became a daily routine. My family began to worry because I was rarely ever home. I dated another guy who was the complete opposite of a man I knew I should be dating, just to do it. Things ended badly there as well and before I knew it, I hated myself. I hated men for always letting me down. I hated church because I felt everyone was a fake. I hated being home because I felt like I was stuck in one place. I hated school because it was getting too hard. I hated my job because it seemed like no one appreciated me. I hated my life.
     Unfortunately, things did not get better. I entered another relationship. This time, it was different. I genuinely felt like he loved me. I genuinely loved him. But that was probably the only good part. I sacrificed my schooling, my job, my family, my friendships and my life for the sake of our relationship. I sacrificed my relationship with God. It was the hardest two months of my life I've ever endured.  I lived in my car, I barely ate. I had no money and the two of us were stuck... living on love. Even then, we fought daily. the pressure was unbearable but we thought we could make it regardless. Through a series of very, very unfortunate events, a lot of lies were brought to light. Lies that I told my family and lies that he told me. My family took me back. I have no job. I'm not in college. I am no longer in a relationship. I barely have any friends left. My lies and deception over the years are now in the light for my family to see. I've lost touch with God. I am in debt. I've lost everything.
     My family took me back into their home 3 days ago. My world came crashing down 3 days ago. Things have been very far from easy for me. I'm suffering severe depression. I'm lonely. I have a lot to fix in my life. I woke up this morning and saw this book, 'The Search for Significance' lying right next to my bed where I had left it so many months ago. I know that God wants me to let go of all the chains that have been wrapped around me for so long. I know this book will help me find myself, finally. This blog is designed to help me really dive deep into the text and write down how it applies to me. I hope that my journey will inspire others to find their significance in Christ.
    The ride will be rocky and steep. Many of you will see me stumble and breakdown, but I promise to be honest here. So, will you come with me? Will you travel beside me during My Journey on The Search for Significance?